Edumacation
by Ice of the Kitsune's Fire
Summary: Natsu has three lovers. Wait, five- no, wait- three. Or five. It's hard to tell when Lisanna and Lucy are both drunk out of their minds. Crack!LuNaLi


"_What did you say_?" Lucy demands thickly.

"Oh yeah, I went there," Lisanna slurs, slamming her drink down onto the table. Mirajane flinches when drops of the alcohol fly from the mug and onto the bar- the older woman hurriedly wipes the liquid away, as if by doing this, Lisanna will stop being drunk senseless.

"Who spiked my sister's drink?" Elfman roars, and Bixlow can be seen whistling innocently as he makes his escape from the guild, unnoticed. Elfman goes on a rampage, picking up every other 'man' he sees and demanding to know the culprit.

And as if that weren't bad enough, someone has spiked _Lucy's_ drink as well (Bixlow sneezes somewhere, already far from the guild), and now the two are duking it out.

Of course, the topic of their argument is no surprise.

"I saw him _first_," Lisanna snarls, and tries to yank away Lucy's drink. Lucy yowls and clings onto the cup with her hands (and mouth, and legs, and-) as Lisanna continues, "Natsu is _mine_!"

"Past is past," Lucy hiccups right back, and suddenly lets go of the cup- Lisanna jerks back in a sluggish surprise, and the alcohol sloshes all over her clothes. Lucy smirks in triumph, eyes half-lidded. "You may have been close once- _hic_- but I, I'm more important nooww!"

She sways into the bar and slumps against the counter. Mirajane awkwardly pats Lucy's head, hoping that the two will leave before they throw up all over the floor so she won't have to clean up the mess.

"We were _married_!" Lisanna bellows indignantly, not even caring that her (white!) shirt is wet, and that there are many, many people staring at her (that, and the fact that they were, oh, _five_ when they became 'husband and wife'). "He would- hic- _never _betray me!"

Lisanna yanks Lucy's tiny little skirt off, revealing heart-patterned panties. Lucy lets out a shriek of fury and whirls around, eyes narrowing dangerously. The skirt has pooled around her feet; Lucy attempts to make for Lisanna, and trips over the scrap of cloth. The blonde falls to the ground with a squeak, and Lisanna takes this opportunity to tackle the spirit mage.

Natsu chooses this moment to walk into the guild as Lucy and Lisanna's argument dissolves into a vicious cat fight.

"Oi, Gray," he furrows his brow. "What are they fighting about?"

Gray gives him a long, hard look. "You're kidding me, right? You'd have to be an _idiot_ to not know what they're fighting about."

Natsu scowls. "I'm not an idiot! Girls are… complicated!" He gestures wildly at the two girls (Lucy can be heard screeching Natsu's name at the top of her lungs- Lisanna quickly subdues her with a well-timed headlock), all the while remaining oblivious.

The raven-haired ice mage clacks his teeth together in frustration before saying, "Well, Natsu, all I can say is that you have two, very _interesting_ friends."

(Gray wisely decides to leave out the part where one of them becomes _more_ than a friend, lest the girl left behind tries to claw his eyes out.)

"Two?" Natsu crinkles his nose, offended. "I have more than two interesting friends, ice brain! In fact, I have many, _many_ interesting friends!" He sticks out his tongue childishly, tacking on, "And you're not one of them!"

Gray slams his head into the table as Lisanna tries to tear off Lucy's shirt in a drunken frenzy.

"Only two?" Macao cackles viciously. "Gray, didn't you two use to _shower_ with Titania?" He's obviously had his own fair share of drinks; the older man takes a moment to imagine the glorious body of the scarlet-haired woman before adding, "I've always thought that she had a thing for Natsu."

Gray blinks, raising an eyebrow. "You're insane."

"I have more than three friends!" Natsu insists, whining at Macao, who takes one look at Natsu and decides that the maturity of the pink-haired mage is probably inferior to that of his nine-year old kid.

"Three _friends_?" Cana sidles up to the dragonslayer bemusedly, butting into the conversation. "I think there's a little more potential than _that_, Natsu."

She takes a swig from an oversized bottle, earning an incredulous stare from Gray.

"How the _hell_ do you manage to stay sober?"

Cana grins coyly. "It's all in the size," she says, gesturing proudly at her chest. Macao, Gray, and Natsu all simultaneously glance at Lisanna and Lucy (who are both _very_ drunk), and decide that Cana is lying.

"And what do you mean, 'more potential than that?'" Natsu echoes, just as dense as ever. "Erza, Lisanna, and Lucy are already my best friends!"

Gray is starting to think that Natsu's idiocy can't get much worse when Natsu adds,

"Well, besides Happy."

"So Natsu has… _four _lovers?" Elfman abruptly attempts to join in the discussion, already haven beaten the crap out of half of the members of Fairy Tail, and feeling quite left out.

(Lisanna's keen ears twitch, and she whirls around towards the five with misery slapped all over her face. "_Four lovers?"_ She wails.

Lucy takes advantage of Lisanna's distraction by tackling her as she screams, "_Because I'm so amazing, I'm worth four lovers, ya idiot!"_)

"Naw," Cana shrugs dismissively at Elfman. "Happy is more with Charle, if you know what I mean…" She grins and pokes the towering man with her elbow.

Elfman's jaw drops. "Natsu has _five_ lovers? He truly is a man!"

"Why, thank you!" Natsu beams. "I _am_ a man!" He dances around on the table, fists ablaze, having conveniently tuned out the 'lovers' part. Cana smacks her palm into her face (it would _figure_ that Elfman was the only one who could be more oblivious than _NATSU_) and returns to the only stability in the guild.

As it stands, that stability is alcohol. She hugs her beloved barrel and decides that no one needs four- _five-_ lovers when they can just drink.

"I don't think that this freak is interested in bestiality," Gray jerks a thumb at the still-break-dancing-like-a-boss-Natsu, shaking his head at Elfman and Macao. "Three potential girlfriends are enough, but _cats_?"

"So, three?" Macao questions in a drunken stupor.

"No, no, five," Elfman insists, having no clue as to what he's arguing about anymore (but five is bigger than three, and the bigger the manlier!). "Five is better."

Their conversation (_one-way trip to nowhere_) is interrupted by a loud crash when Lucy summons Taurus on the unsuspecting Lisanna, and crows victoriously, "I win, I win, I win!" The blonde proceeds to giggle maniacally.

Lisanna's face scrunches up furiously; the girl jabs a finger in Lucy's direction, snarling, "I'll get you next time!" She dashes out of the guild, sobbing (Mirajane is unsure of what to think or feel at this point). Several moments later, she pokes her head through the entryway again, adding, "This isn't over!"

Lucy watches as Lisanna disappears, only to reappear again, growling determinedly, "You only think you've won! You haven't seen the last of me!" She blows a raspberry in what she thinks is Lucy's general direction (it's actually just a pillar of wood) and disappears into the sunset while twirling an invisible, debonair mustache. She makes it about five feet before collapsing.

Lucy recalls her spirit, cackling, "Natsu is _mine, mine!_" before falling over in a dead faint. Mirajane sighs in relief that no one has thrown up in the bar (yet).

Gray thinks to himself that Natsu can't _possibly_ be dense enough to misunderstand Lucy's drunken claims, and turns to face the pink-haired dragonslayer-

-only to see that the idiot is sleeping peacefully on the table he was dancing on just moments ago, blissfully unaware of the entire scene.

Rubbing his temple, Gray decides that perhaps getting a drink wouldn't be a bad idea.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, a delicious tingle of anticipation is running up Juvia's spine.<p> 


End file.
